My precious angel.

It was the most painful journey anyone could ever travel ..

It was Monday, July 25th. I rushed home from work cause you're sick. You have tonsillitis as the doctor told yesterday when Mama brought you at Santos Medical Clinic. That caused you high fever and sick. Luckily, I got a skip train. I came home the earliest time possible. As I arrived, you're just lying, watching television. Then you saw me, you should me the pain you've been hiding the whole day. You looked pale, weak and very sick. You told me you can't breathe. So I hurriedly change clothes so I can bring you to the doctor. You told me .. "Mommy, wag na tayo alis. Higa na lang ako." But I told you that we are going to your daddy's place and that made you agreed to get up and come with me. I don't know how strong I am that moment because all I think is how I can bring you to the doctor.

It was just you and me. I decided to go to Papa's house cause I don't have money that time. all I am thinking of is to rush you at the hospital. I never thought you are critical. At the jeepney, you whispered to me .. "Mommy, kawawa naman ako." and I said, "No baby, di ka po kawawa. Wait lang po malapit na tayo." My heart's already breaking. I am so helpless. I tried calling your dad, or anyone that could help me that time but there's no one. We arrived at Papa's house, I am already crying. I asked for money and immediately brought you to Santos Medical Clinic. Unfortunately, they didn't accommodate you sweetie cause you look very critical, your lips turning violet and I already don't know what to do. But I decided not to panic. I decided to bring you to the nearest hospital. As we arrived to Mary Johnston Hospital, the doctors at the Emergency Room, rushed on to you, put on the oxygen mask but still you hardly can't breathe. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to feel. The doctor told me that tubes will be placed to help you breathe. Your xray results were not good. Half of your lungs were already white. I never thought how critical your condition was. You went to school that week, completed your attendance. No cough, no flu. Fever on Saturday, On Sunday you're brought to a clinic and it was only tonsillitis and suddenly, you were like that.

You are awake at the E.R I was looking at you. You are so brave little kid. :) I ask you if you're okay and you nod at me, your lips are getting red again. You getting well, as I thought. But still, they need to admit you at Pedia Incentive Care Unit (PICU) for observations. You have that machine to support you on breathing and will help your oxygen intake to be 100%.  But because of the medicines injected to you, you fell asleep ..

The doctor told me that you are critical. You have low oxygen intake that caused you to breathing fast. Your heart beats so fast, tendency is it might be tired and eventually it might stop... unlike when you are born, it beats slow. But that time you survived it.

I asked Mama and Tita to go home so that they could rest first and I will just update them from time to time. No one is allowed to enter the PICU except me and your daddy. Your pulmonologist doctor went home around 12 AM and told me that the oxygen was helping. Around 2 am in the morning, Your daddy asked me to take a rest for awhile, but I can't. I took a glimpse of you and your oxygen intake went down. I already knew it. I felt it already. I prayed the rosary. After few minutes, the nurse assigned to you called me. Your heart stopped. They tried their best to revive you but you didn't respond. You slept forever sweetie. And I don't know what to feel about it.

I lost the love of my life. I lost my precious one. I lost the meaning of my life. I lost everything I had. I lost my happiness. I lost my dreams, my plans. I lost you .. and now I am at lost. I don't how to pickup the pieces of my heart that was broken. I don't know to start a new life without you. 

Weeks passed not having you around, I tried to be strong, I am showing everyone I am strong but nobody knows how broke I am from the inside. I am longing so much for your hugs, your kisses, your iloveyous. But I promised you that I will be brave. Your love will make me alive forever.

Thank you for the opportunity to carry you in my womb. Thank you for almost 4 years of love. Thank you for bringing the best in me. Thank you for inspiring me always. Thank you for your talents that made everyone love you. Thank you for trusting mommy at the very last time. Thank you for being my son, and thank you for giving me the opportunity to be your mom. I'm sorry for the times I am not there. Sorry for all my mistakes and shortcomings. I'm sorry baby. I'm so sorry. It was the most painful experience I ever had. I don't know how long it will take to heal the wounds in my heart. I'm sorry anak.

My little angel, Zachary Lucas Drake, wherever you are right now, I know you're happy. I know you are in a better place. I know heaven is a happier place now because they gained a very precious angel. Spread your wings son, fly as much as you want. And enjoy playing with the angels. Help us to heal the pain and pray for everyone who loves you to overcome this.

Til we meet again sweetie. Iloveyousomuch anak koo. Mahal na mahal na mahal ka ni Mommy. Fly high, Lucas. <3